The Chibis in: The Courtcase
by Carbuncle
Summary: Ifrit is held responsible after Squall, Zell and Selphie suffer an... accident. So Ifrit is summoned to court.


FINAL FANTASY VIII  
  
Author's Note: This is the first FFVIII fanfic from me for a long time, but it doesn't continue on from the others I wrote. This is a chibi version, with chibis. And, uh, it's kinda crappy, yeah. But read it. And better stuff will be coming soon, both FFVII fanfics and FFVIII. My return to FF has begun.  
  
The Chibis in: "The Courtcase"  
  
(Open to an exotic beach. The landscape is stunning, with a clear blue sea and a sandy beach laden with palm trees. As the camera pans along the heavenly location, it focuses on Ifrit, the GF, lying on a sun lounger, wearing sunglasses and drinking tequila. Beside him, is a small table. On the table, is a mobile (cellular, for our American friends) phone. It rings, and Ifrit answers it, casually.)  
Ifrit: Hello, Ifrit speaking. Shiva, honey, is that you, baby?  
  
(Cut to a less-than-exotic location, or more specifically, the Tomb of the Unknown King. Squall is holding his Lionheart in defence with his left hand, while in his right hand, he's holding his phone, sweating heavily and overshadowed by something much bigger and far scarier than he is. Zell and Selphie are cowering behind their leader, pissing themselves with worry, each grabbing onto Squall's legs tightly, and squeezing as if they were teddy bears.)  
Squall: No, uh, Ifrit, it's not Shiva. It's Squall.  
  
(Cut to the beach.)  
Ifrit: Squall? (aside) What a disappointment! (loudly) So, Squall, my good friend, what can I do for you, buddy?  
  
(Cut to the Tomb of the Unknown King.)  
Squall: Yeah, uh, I'm calling from the Tomb of the Unknown King, I'm here with my friends, Zell and Selphie. Uh, we're in a little bit of trouble right now, I was wondering if you could come and help us out.  
  
(Cut to the beach.)  
Ifrit: What sort of trouble, dude?  
  
(Cut to the Tomb of the Unknown King. The trouble is revealed as the camera swings around from Squall and friends to show two Blobras and an Armadodo, each foaming at the mouth at the prospect of dinner. Squall and his friends, of course, being on the top of the menu.)  
Squall: Uh, it's nothing too big, just the kind of trouble that could end our lives, that's all.  
  
(Cut to the beach.)  
Ifrit: Oh. Well, if it's not that big a crisis, deal with it yourselves. I'm on vacation, don't you know?  
Squall: But...  
Ifrit: If you can deal with it yourselves, there's no need to be hassling me now, is there?  
Squall: But they're...  
Ifrit: What was that? Sorry, Squall, you're breaking up. Talk to you later, bye. (hangs up)  
  
(Cut to the Tomb of the Unknown King. Squall takes a heavy gulp as the monsters advance onto him and his friends. Everything goes black and Squall and friends scream as their tormentors begin ripping them apart, limb from limb.)  
Squall: Oh, no! Not the face! Not the face!!! ...and Zell, take your hands off my penis!  
Zell: That's your penis? Dude, I thought it was a hot dog.  
  
(Cut to the beach. Ifrit is lying back, sipping tequila. His phone rings again and he answers it.)  
Ifrit: Hello?  
  
(Cut to the Tomb of the Unknown King. Squall is talking on the other end of the phone. He, Zell and Selphie are all black and bruised. Squall is frowning, angrily.)  
Squall: You are sooo sued.  
  
(Cut to a courtroom, a month later. Everyone is sitting/standing in their correct places, hell if I know where those are. Among those in court are: Squall, Zell, Selphie, Rinoa, Irvine, Quistis, Headmaster Cid, Xu, and Ifrit. Cait Sith is the judge.)  
Cait Sith: Order! Court is in session.  
Irvine: Cait Sith? What are you doing here?  
Cait Sith: Making a cameo appearance. I've gotta find something to keep me occupied until Carbuncle hurries himself up and writes that new fic starring me.  
Irvine: Oh.  
Rinoa: Well that just made no sense, whatsoever.  
Quistis: This fic is off to a good start then...  
Cait Sith: Excuse me, but are y'all people deaf or just plain stupid? I said court is in session. That means y'all shut y'all yappers and open y'all freakin' ears. Thank you. I mean, thank y'all. Now, this courtcase was brought to be because of one Squall Leonhart, who wants to sue one Ifrit Johnson... stupid name that, Johnson... for neglect. Would Squall Leonhart please take the stand.  
(Squall stands up and leaves his table. He walks into the witness box. Watts is one of the balifs, Zone is the other.)  
Watts: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Hyne?  
Squall: The truth, eh? Well, I've nothing to hide. Sure.  
Cait Sith: Mr. Leonhart, I'd like you to start by telling me and the other members of the court, including the jury which is made up of familiar Final Fantasy characters, past and present, exactly what happened on the day in question.  
Squall: No problem, Your Honor. Well I woke up around tenish, took a shower with my girlfriend Rinoa, felt her up, had sex with her under the hot water, brushed my teeth, had myself a bowl of Kornflakes, had sex with Rinoa again, got dressed,...  
Cait Sith: Jeez, when I said tell me exactly what happened that day I didn't want your life story. Just tell us the part about Ifrit refusing to do his job as a Guardian Force guy properly.  
Squall: Oh, okay, sorry, Your Honor.  
Cait Sith: Sheesh!  
Squall: My friends, Zell, Selphie and me, we were all exploring the Tomb of the Unknown King because Zell had heard a rumor that there was treasure buried there. Zell being, well, Zell, just had to check it out, but I told him it was too dangerous. But Zell being the idiot that he is, he wanted to go anyway. Well, I couldn't let him go and die alone, so I decided to go with him to be with him when he eventually got killed. But since I knew there was a possiblity I could be killed too, I had Selphie come with us, so the monsters that live in the Tomb might go for her after they'd killed Zell and ate his skin rather than me. Anyway, long story short, the monsters in the Tomb cornered us and attacked us. I called Ifrit to help us out, since we only had a fraction of our HP left, and no magic, 'cause we forgot to draw any before we left, and, well, wouldn't you know it, Ifrit wouldn't come help us. I begged him and pleaded with him to reconsider, but he said he wouldn't come because he was on vacation and he was having too much of a good time lying around in the sun, getting skin cancer. So because Ifrit wouldn't show, those ferocious monsters attacked us. It's damn lucky we're still alive, I can tell you. We were nearly killed that day, Your Honor, because of one lazy GF. And that's the story.  
(Everyone in court has fallen asleep, including Cait Sith.)  
Squall: Your Honor...?  
Cait Sith: Zzz... Zzz... Zzz... Xxx... Yyy... Zzz...  
(Odin appears and slashes through everyone with his sword, waking them all up.)  
Cait Sith: Jesus Christ... was born on Christmas Day. What the hell was that?!  
Odin: Oh, shoot. I broke a nail. Oh well, Ned's Shirtless Cavern, here I come! (rides off into the distance)  
Squall: You all fell asleep during my story, how could you?  
Cait Sith: Quite easily considering how BORING it was. What do y'all think, Shumi the lawyer?  
Shumi: I think although Tifa's boobs have the upper hand over Rikku's, Rikku could still jerk off twice as many boys as Tifa could.  
Cait Sith: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard y'all come up with. I meant what do y'all think of Mr. Leonhart's sob story?  
Shumi: I think I wasn't listening.  
Cait Sith: Eugh. I've heard enough from y'all, Mr. Leonhart. I'd like to hear Ifrit's testimony now.  
(Squall walks out of the witness box as Ifrit walks in.)  
Watts: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Hyne?  
Ifrit: Yes. Yes, I do.  
Cait Sith: All right, Ifrit, let's hurry this along as quickly as possible. I don't want to be here all day, I've my own fanfic to be starring in, you know. Let's hear YOUR version of what happened on the day in question.  
Ifrit: My pleasure, Your Honor. I was lying around, soaking up the sun's rays on the beach, enjoying my vacation, when I got a call from Squall. My first thoughts were that I should get over and help him pronto, but after he explained the situation to me, I didn't really feel the need to. I felt he could easily handle things, so I told him to deal with it himself. What's the point of summoning me, or any of the other GFs, if you're only dealing with a few stray beasties that only dish out around 500 HP of damage?  
Squall: Those monsters dealt out a hell of a lot more than 500 Hit Points, Ifrit!  
Shumi: Objection, Your Honor!  
Cait Sith: Sustain. Carry on, Ifrit.  
Squall: What do you mean objection, sustain? He doesn't even know what that means!  
Shumi: If I didn't know what that meant, I wouldn't be one of the world's biggest lawyers, would I?  
Squall: I suppose not, but...  
Shumi: I rest my case.  
Cait Sith: I happen to agree with Ifrit on this one. Blobras and Armadodos are the lowest form of life, and even at level 99, they're still weak and easily defeated. I'm throwing this case out the window, and I'm gettin' the hell outta here. (leaves)  
Ifrit: Sorry, Squall. Better luck next time.  
Squall: Dammit! No! Nooo! ...Zell, how many times? Get your hands off that!  
Zell: Sorry, it went limp like a hot dog.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
THE END  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


End file.
